Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sorting out the issues or trying

So, the main idea of this site was to be about reinventing myself. Right now I am in a constant state of stress and reinvention is becoming a slow forgotten process. When people think of owning their own business, being successful and the money that they want to make seem within reach, of course-we fail see the obstacles. I believe that is true for many of us. I went into my ad adventure thinking this would be a piece of cake, it would all fall into place and the money would pour in. The funny thing about that is, I am a very practical and analytical person and I knew in the back of my head this would not be true. I just didn't expect it to be this frustrating.

Web guy issues-I had another two hour power talk with the web guy, he suggested maybe we "break up" "end the relationship", I agreed. An odd way of saying it, but it greatly humored me. In the end, much like a tumultuous marriage, we have decided to give it another go, communicate better, and what to expect and not from each other. Women, if all men could do this no one would ever bitch about their partners again. Will it happen this way? Who knows? I was given some advice from my writer. He said "all people in this business are flaky; if you can find someone you like as a person, then suck it up and deal with it". So, I guess I am sucking it up since I do like this guy as a person.

My professional writer turned out to be kind of a perv, but that is a whole other post. Maybe he is not my writer after all. Figures I find a guy that writes web copy and gets freaky.

I have a list for this site that is so long my stressful tea drinking water days continue. I feel the pressure to succeed, mostly by my standards. And have no clue where to start. I am good at the legal, the organizing of it all and now I am challenged. What if I fail? I don’t just let myself down, but my husband, my friend’s and of course, my on the rocks web guy. It is me that would be the most disappointed. I am not a fan of failure of any kind at all.
My hours are sporadic at best, I have been putting things off and I need to get a schedule going. I am not giving it my all, but am giving it my best stress. If I could make a career out of anxiety we would all be rich.

Today’s mood is floating.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I have new business bi-polar. My moods are going every which way. I feel great and positive that all will work out well; become creative with a host of new ideas, and then two hours later...I am ready to throw in the towel. People don't call back, they don't respond, they quit, they flake, it is one thing after another. Finding the positive in all of it is often hard.

Mr. Web is back to kind of doing what he has said, but he is a totally different person at night than during the day. I like consistency and am not getting it. I will look at this as he is helping me pour the foundation of my business and will see what happens when I get to the rest of the structure. I did learn no weekend contact with him will give me a better weekend.

My last web guy that flaked has done it to a couple others-I don't feel singled out anymore. I always preach organization, and my office is a pit. I do think that has something to do with my current mood swings. I need a bigger desk with more space.

On the plus side (sorta) all the stress from this new business has caused me to drop 12.5 pounds in the last week. Some say this isn’t good, but I am certain that it is stress and like the way my clothes fit this week.

How to conquer the business bi-polar should be an article on my site.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Again I wait. Mr. Web guy was supposed to go into my site move a few things around and get back to me. That was Friday morning. It is Sunday morning. I am okay with a "busy weekend" will catch you Monday" something like that. The nothing at all drives me crazy. This is still about bad manners. There are manners with emails, people.

When doing an ad site the beginning layout should be like an open house. Presentable for potential buyers, and clean lines and easy to see-not messy. Right now I am on messy. He's messy.

I had this same issue with said web guy last week. He called, we worked it out for four hours on the phone, or so I thought. I don't have four more phone hours and really just need this done.

Problem two-I like said web guy, he is funny, charming and does good work when he actually does it. However, when you go to look at his site, it's blank. He also has no business cards. Why is this important? Because when you are in his line of work the first thing people look at is your personal site and then ask for a business card.

I am way to organized to work with these artsy types. One way or another they are all the same, and it truly sucks.
Good thing I bought the book on the site he installed. A woman's work is truly never done, and if you want it done right, do it yourself.

Friday, March 26, 2010


It is a questionable day. Why do people have such bad manners at all ages? Why do they need to talk on their cell phones in my car about strange crap I don't want to hear, in the stores, the doctors where they have a clear sign that say "PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE" and everywhere else? Why is it I think I am unapproachable, my family and friend's tell me I have an unapproachable look, but people I just meet spill their needy life stories to me all the time?

Why will spring not come? Why is it going to snow again today?

Why on earth did I let a business relationship cross that fine line? Lastly, what the hell is a matter with me lately?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I am very fond of my web guy and when I didn't hear back from him-I panicked. I got sick of feeling all stressed out and emailed him. He has no intentions on going anywhere and was just finishing a big project. A quick email to say "hey I’m tied up for a day or so" would have been nice. I am happy he is still around, but fearful he could leave. This sounds like the beginning of a bad teenage relationship.

For now all is well.

With the service for my grandpa ending today I was shocked at my reaction. I think it is a culmination of things going on in my life, but I was actually sad I couldn't be there after talking with everyone of my relatives I have not seen since my sister's wedding in 2001. They told me I was there in spirit and had great fun telling all the old stories. I think that is what I missed and the tribute that as done to my dad for being the one of his four siblings that stepped up and took care of my grandfather. It sounded like a good send off for a charming, funny and silly man that everyone loved.
When you move far away from family in some aspects you become far removed. Death is sad, it is the end of a generation and you have the memories left, but when you are so far away you sometimes don't have the heavy grief that the people who are there daily do.
I miss the man I knew as I child, but had not seen but once in seventeen years or more. They grieve the man they knew daily. My aunt told me today that my grandpa got to see every one of his five children within the five days before his death. Something he had not done in awhile, and he was completely lucid. I think it happened that way for a reason.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

We have more SNOW-10 inches and counting. It took my husband 3 hours of sitting on the highway 11 miles from our house to get home this evening. They say 6+ more for Wednesday. I am so damn sick of this. I was in a tank top this morning sitting outside drinking my tea and chatting on the phone. Yesterday was close to 70. I need the wealth of Donald Trump or Bill Gates so I can purchase an island for me and my friend's in the winter months.

This now leads me to Rant #2

I searched, I interviewed and found what I thought was a great web guy. We had a great connection, communication was good and then I don't hear back from him. Now I could be freaking out prematurely but something just tells me I am not. I have invested time, money and a lot of thought and fear into this business. I have found great writers, content and am ready to really get this going and now this. I am far from an emotional person, but this has me on the verge of something. I feel like I am climbing and climbing and getting no where. Is there a sign I am missing? I really liked this guy too. Why would you sign a six page legal document and then...I really hope I am wrong.
Rant #3 I went to the doctor for a check up on my arm and they ended up doing a biopsy on my stomach/hip area. I hate waiting for test results and will now find all kinds of crazy crap going though my head. The upside is my doctor is smoking hot and I was wearing good panties. Really, that is the up side.

Rant #4 My grandfather's viewing was this evening and everyone was there but me. I am not one for funerals but my sister called with such funny tails and how excited everyone was to see her family and my mom, with talk of the old days and wondering all about me. My dad has a big family that we have never been a huge part of, but they are the type that makes you wish you had a really big family when you’re with them. If that makes any sense. My niece clung to my dad as she was so excited to see him and when asked why she did that she said “I was just going with the moment". Gotta love a six year old. If we could all just go with the moment.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

As a kid I had a really cool grandfather. I didn’t know him much in my adult life, but have the greatest memories of going to the park, riding his bicycle built for two to the candy store and him always talking baby talk to all of us grandkids. I think the four older ones got the best of his time. He was a funny good guy and everyone loves him. I last saw him in 2006 and have pictures of that day. It as the first day I had seen him in a decade-I suppose. He had just moved in with my dad and been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, an evil disease. For all those years he has been living with my dad and his girlfriend. He took care of him where his four siblings didn’t seem to have the time. Which also seems common with that disease. He was progressing to a state where he was going to go to a home as my dad didn’t feel he could give him around the clock care he now required, something that bothered my dad who has not had a life of his own for many years. He didn’t want his dad to be scared and in unfamiliar territory which scared him greatly. May 1st was the date he was going to move into a unit where they could care for his disease.

Today when my dad got home from work my grandfather asked him how his day was like he did everyday, and then my dad asked his dad about his day.
My dad went to warm up his dinner and in the time it took to hit the microwave button my grandfather was gone. He died in his chair after having his last ritual exchange with his eldest son. My dad says he knows he waited for him to get home, and I hope he is finding peace with that as I believe it to be true. He performed CPR on him until the ambulance came, but he was already gone in the 30 seconds my dad had left the room. I can’t imagine the pain my dad is in, but do know we have great peace knowing that he left this world taken care of, loved and so very quickly that he felt nothing, and will now never have to experience being scared in a home that was unfamiliar to him. So many families watch their loved ones deteriorate with this disease, and even with a sad heart I feel blessed for my dad and his, that he was able to leave this world in a flash with some of himself still left, and all the great memories he left behind.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Excitement and fear are looming both in equal portions. My site is up, it is not filled with great writing, ads and all the buzz, but it's up. Wow! I am trying so hard not to jinx myself, but I really like my new non rocker, responsible, does what he says web guy. Did I mention he doesn't even live in my state? He is in the Bay area and communicates like a gem.

Saturday night I got a call from B, she is my sales telemarketer if you will. She called to tell me that she is still interested in doing sales for me but doesn't want any money until I start making money. That she loves me and just wants to support my venture. What a woman. The only thing she asked for was a cell phone so that she didn't have to make calls from her home phone. I think that is more than reasonable and will be getting her one. I am pretty hopeful that I will see enough success to take the people that helped make this happen to Hawaii with me for the holidays. Even my guy from the Bay. I wish I could find a way to pause my mind so that I could keep this good feeling a bit longer.
I have been listening to the Tony Robbins series on my iPod everyday and like him or not, he knows what he is talking about. I highly recommend his series Personal Power. I am now fascinated with Neuro science and mind conditioning (not scary scientology crap)

Being self employed is a very scary thing-you only have your self to blame if you fail. The process from idea to insemination can be daunting and stressful on all relationships around you. I have found this out personally. I am hoping it has all been worth it.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

My countdown to 40 is coming a bit faster than I am comfortable with. I have goals to meet and now feel like I am on a total panic deadline. I weighed myself today. Hmmm-how will I get to where I want to be by the end of August? I do have a trainer who will be coming twice a week, the coconut M & M's I found can be burned off in those sessions, right? Didn't think so.

My launch date has been moved, I have a To Do list a mile long, I have not been lifting weights, doing my great yoga, or eating protein in the morning. I am going to be a broke chubby schlep by the time I turn 40 if I don't go buy some willpower and motivation at Target today. A great excuse to Target not that I need one. With the milestone approaching at rapid speed I need to step up my game.

Has anyone else noticed that when you were a kid time took forever, and as an adult is goes almost to the speed of light? I hope gravity doesn’t come that fast.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So, my web designer was a flake. Apparently, even in your mid forties and jobless the dream of being a rock star never dies.
I have been interviewing for four days now and what a process. First-people simply just can't follow instructions or read. Two-I think the people in this Rocky Mountain state have bad work ethics- must be lack of air.
Then I get my business cards and the font is like a 6. So much joy going on I can barley stand it.

I won't even get started on the no call backs from other professionals, and the one (kind of) friend that I am going to now have to fire from my life since I have decided that no Flakisim is allowed anymore. I just don't have the time or room for it, and frankly, don't know why other people put up with this type of crap, either.

With such joy surrounding me I now get to do my other least favorite thing. Drive right into the heart of the city, all the big trucks, bad drivers and stress that goes with having to get on to 70. Fun stuff!

Monday, March 1, 2010

March Launch?

The year is already starting to fly by. Now if spring would just catch up with it.

With today being March 1st, I feel the pressure of my site building. I am still completely floored at the extremely poor business manners I have been dealing with. How can you succeed in life in general with such poor manners, follow though, and so on? I am pretty sure it is not just me.
I think the positive that has come from all of this is I have been teaching myself how to build a website and other aspects that I may have waited to learn. In the end you can really only count on yourself in business, especially when it’s your business.
My next business rant is on Communication: People email me, want me to email back, schedule times to email, Text or just Facebook or Tweet them. Honestly, I don’t think I can ever get 100% use to that. I think when doing business deals there should be an actual conversations, real face to face or webcam meetings and then follow up emails. I met a Business Coach that runs most of her business though technology. If I am paying you a lot of money per hour or session (I’m not, just saying) I want to “talk” to you, not read from you, Facebook with you, and I don’t even know how to Tweet, the word alone disturbs me. Even as I say that I know it is a possibility that I will one day need a business Twitter account. Not happily, but I will do what I have to do to ride the successful business wave.

My Launch date for the site is mid March, providing I can figure out what the heck I’m doing. It has been a huge learning curve. I have owned my own business before, and was fairly successful, but I was too young to see what I had. I know what kind of people I don’t want working for me, and know that the lower the overhead the higher the profit. I didn’t know that last time.
I am a big reader, love books. I also love recommendations for books. I have been really reading a lot of business and marketing books lately, and anyone reading this who has read a good motivating business book, feel free to share.