Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Lump

I am a worrier, a worst case; it’s going to be death kind of girl. So, when I found the lump in my breast, I went from lump to grave, actually I am still in the grave. I have a mammogram and ultrasound on Friday. My doctor said he was not worried.

I would never wish the fear that is burning inside me on anyone. I am restless, scared, curious, anxious, and every cell of my body is riddled with fear. I have moments of clarity where I think it will be alright and to just be grateful I am in a place where I can get the proper testing done in a timely manner (three days after seeing my doctor). The waiting is the hard part, what will come next? Will it be bad? I am sure it will be and my mind will not allow me to go anywhere but to the dark scary place. The pit of my stomach burns, and everyone has a fricking story to tell about their cancer, like I really need to hear that shit right now.

What I do know for sure-

Whatever the outcome is I am changed forever. That may seem dramatic and it probably is, but it is so very true. I always thought as women we are part of the cause-be proactive, self exams, donating, walking for the cure, all of it. Why? Because having breasts makes you part of the cause. And then wondering if you have it-is so very scary.

I always talk about being healthy, respecting my body and so on. No more talk. If I don’t take care of me now what will happen? I really don’t want to find out. I am already making changes and promises that I know I will keep. How do I know? I am a fear driven kind of girl and I have enough fear to believe I can walk on water right now.

I admire people with a strong faith now more than ever. I wish I had the great belief that a prayer could be said and answered.

Two more days of acid burning worry. The unknown is so much scarier than what is right in front of you.